I am Not Legend

From the time that we can learn, we are taught about public and historical figures - legends. We memorize things about people that are “common knowledge,” such as George Washington never telling a lie, or Paul Bunyan, albeit not a real figure, and his ox being the strongest man alive. 

Although those are nice ways to remember someone, they don’t tell you who that person really was, what they were like, what they valued, cared about, their passions, their essence, yet, we all collectively feel as if we “know” them. 

Legends are hard to live up to, as is celebrity, because ultimately, the persona that people talk about is just bits and pieces of a complex human being. It is just snippets of what people think they know used to summarize someone who was neither good or bad. They weren’t perfect or purely evil, because no one can be summed up with just one word or label.

The story that I wrote about Colin and Tayt is my perspective. And contained within the limited pages of “their stories” are highlights, the things that I felt were important, and the things that I remember and what I want other people to. I can never describe to you who Colin was or who Tayt is, people change, they grow, they alter, and they conform to their environment. They are not stationary or stable - We all have to adapt.

One of the hardest decisions about publishing my book revolved around how I portrayed those closest to me, the people I loved, and what my observations were. And even more importantly, allowing people into my inner thoughts, which as anyone who has read my book, were not always pretty, kind, loving, or caring. 

My thoughts and my actions, were sometimes ugly, self-serving, at times, nothing that I am proud of.

But if I am going to tell the truth, I had to be true to my own misgivings and faults - I had to let people into the inner voice that we all try so hard to keep under wraps. 

Why? 

Why did I feel the need to betray my privacy, expose my character, yes, perhaps even leave myself open to criticism? 

Because for any of us to believe that we are perfect just makes us all shameful for the imperfections that we all possess. No one should feel shame, guilt, repulsion, and embarrassment for being human. If we carry around those feelings, they rob us from being the best version of ourselves. Those feelings of self-loathing keep us stuck in our own self-fulfilling prophecy of who and what we are.

I have many regrets about things I have done, people I have lost whether through my own actions, or otherwise, and I spent the better half of a decade wishing that I could go back and redo it all. 

I wish that I had the ability to go return to certain chapters of my life and erase them, white out the parts I didn’t like, and rewrite other areas, but life isn’t like that. 

When tragedy strikes, people talk. 

It isn’t that they mean to, or that there is malice in what is being said. As time goes on, much like history, the recounting is altered, changed, situations are exaggerated, personalities, conflicts, and sometimes the truth, becomes very loose. It seems that whatever is more lasting, salacious, “catchy” even, has a way, of, well, catching. 

Once a label gets “stuck,” it sticks and there is no way to undo the many channels from which information has flowed. Misunderstandings get communicated over and over and lines become blurry.

Over time, people are very willing to accept common knowledge as “truth”. Necessarily, someone has to become the villain and another the victor or hero, and the reasons for which the players acted the way they did or what went on before the climax and resolution, often gets buried and forgotten. 

Things such as the motivations behind people’s reactions, namely, what goes on when no one is looking, behind closed doors, and between people in private, can’t possibly be known. But, we, as humans, like neat and tidy packages and clear storylines.

Therefore, legends, figures, and myths are born and persist. 

It is much easier to see things as black and white, because gray is, too gray perhaps. Bystanders, spectators, and outsiders not privy to the true events, all fill in the blanks and continue telling the version of the story that differs greatly from where it began, much like playing operator.

Where is all of this going? 

I know that there will be people who will read my book and some will make me a hero, others will pity my situation, some might think I am cruel, and some might even doubt whether my version of events are real. 

They will judge my character, but my “character” does not equate to my character as a human.

What happened before Colin and I met, what happened when he got sick, what happened after he passed, what has happened in my past, what is happening today, what you have heard about me, and what you hear people say about anyone really, is just bits and pieces. 

So, I overcame the fear I had and published my book, and will continue to tell my story because if it resonates with one person who is feeling guilt, shame, or worried about what people will think, what they will say, how people feel about them, and how they will be judged, I feel you.

I wish I could take those bits and pieces away so that you don’t have to be a legend in someone else’s story.

You can be just you, imperfect, fallible, and human.

What is easier for me to say to someone else, and hard to do myself, is to understand that what people say about you, can only be real and touch you if you allow it to. 

I am not perfect, but I know that I am being honest about what I am and what I am not. I also recognize that I can’t change minds, events, or history. I can only tell my side of the story, as anyone should be able. 

By making myself vulnerable and exposing my humanity, I pray I can allow people to forgive themselves for being reactive, emotional, moody, and even sometimes ugly, and also not be bothered by what people have to say about them or what others' opinions are.

I’ve learned many things over my long life on earth.

One is unless you have lived it, been behind closed doors, yourself hear, see, and witness all sides of a story, you have only heard what the storyteller wants you to. Once more, even if you have seen it, you can't possibly know what motivates people or the intent of their actions.

Two, if one person is telling a story while the other stays silent, don’t assume they are staying hushed due to guilt or that their silence is anyway an admission of guilt. Perhaps they just got tired of trying to changing a tidal wave of opinions they couldn't get on top of, or didn’t even know they had to because they trusted the storyteller implicitly, naively, and perhaps even stupidly.

Three, I want you to hear the truth, and once I have done that, I don’t want to be legend. I just want to be seen as human.

I want the floor to tell MY side and be heard, that shouldn't be too much to ask for, but often times, feels like it is.

For anyone who is struggling with someone else telling of your character, remember this, it is their character and it has NOTHING to do with your character as a person.