Earning the Mental Space Given
Whenever you put anything on display for people to see, you say you want feedback, but what you really mean is that you want to hear that people like it. I’ve agonized over releasing this book for over a decade, partly because I couldn’t read it to see if it was worth it, and the other part because anyone who knows me knows that I am painfully sensitive and have a deep need to please. I recognized very quickly, after releasing it, that I was asking people to invest their time and emotions into Colin and Tayt’s story, through my eyes.
Why Would Anyone Want to Read My Story?
When it was in the editing stage, I had many conversations about what I wanted people to get from this story. People asked me “If you want to market it, you have to know why people would want to read it. What is in it for them?” That was one of the hardest questions I’ve been asked. Why WOULD anyone want to read my story?
The feedback that I asked for, has been very kind and humbling. Being the person that I am, I always worry that people will be nice so as not to hurt my feelings. It is important to me, however, that I earn my keep in their mental space by giving them something to take away and a meaning for all of it. The feedback that I have gotten is invaluable to me because it has helped me to answer basic questions that I couldn’t.
What is the Purpose of All of This?
What does it all mean? What is the purpose of all of this? Why did I feel compelled to write it? Those are all questions that ruminate over and over in my mind. I have gotten some clues not in my own words but in the words of those who have read it from the story. I couldn’t put my foot on what I was feeling, what the resounding emotions were, and why my experience would be useful to others.
Out of the feedback that I have gotten, they all gravitate toward finding the same meaning. First, they feel the isolation that someone going through death and illness feels. Most say they relive it all through my writing, that they can actually feel me in real-time on my rollercoaster. It is also vividly clear to them that people almost necessarily have to abandon the ship and find a lifeboat.
Much Life Death, You Are in Grief Alone
Most people can’t handle the grief and sadness and escape the pain, not intentionally, but for self-preservation. But, to the person who can’t leave, that feels very personal. You start wondering what you did wrong and why people don’t like you enough to stay. That is the hardest part about grief, much like death, only you can be in it and get through it all on your own to come out the other side.
The other lesson that I learned about my experience and why people would want to read it is that it is “raw” and “honest” I even had one person say “You said things in this book that most people wouldn’t even say or admit to their best friend.” That was something I really struggled with. My story and thoughts are honest and raw. If you aren’t willing to be true to yourself and those who invest in you, then you are a fraud.
My Thoughts Are Not Pretty
The thoughts I had throughout the book are not pretty. My inside voice said things that, even though only I could hear, made me feel shameful and guilty. But what I have come to realize and the shining beacon that I want people to take away from this book is that WE ALL HAVE THE SAME THOUGHTS during unimaginable times.
One of the hardest parts about healing after Colin was gone, or even today still healing from Taytem’s many challenges, is learning to forgive myself. All of the things you say to yourself, you pray for, you wish for, you would trade anything for, others might not know, but you do. It almost becomes a dirty little secret you keep to yourself and it shapes how you feel about yourself.
When people began to vacate my situation, my world, I thought they did so solely because of me. In the end, when people moved on, I had a sense that without Colin, I wasn’t likable anymore. There was a deep worry that Colin was not only my better half; he was the entire reason people wanted to be around me and then he was gone.
It Felt Like Everything Went With Him
It felt like everything went with him, including the people in my life who I loved deeply. But what I am starting to see is that as much as they moved on, I pushed them away. After Colin died, I needed the lifeboat that they had taken to shore a long time before his passing, only I went in the other direction.
I am still trying to find the wreckage that I walked away from and piece together what I can and am still recovering from loss. I hope that my book will help others in their boats. If anyone is reading this, know this - you are not alone. People aren’t leaving you, they are exiting an uncomfortable and hard situation. You will not be stuck in the boat forever, just take a breath and try to ride out the storm. Please know that are stronger than you think, and if you give yourself grace, you will come out with a perspective on life that is genuine, honest, and life-affirming.
