You Can go Home Again Just Slightly Different in a Good Way

I have always been intrigued by the concept of your name. I poured greatly over what I would name my children, each one had to be unique and individual, just as I hoped they would be. They are, but to be fair, I doubt that had much to do with what I called them versus their experiences and genetics. 

Over the course of a lifetime, my first name has not changed, but my last too many times for me to feel good about. When Colin and I first had Hayden, we had no intentions of getting married, we were just going to live peacefully. I remember telling Colin that we would just train Hayden to say “My parents were rock stars…” because at that time, although not even thirty years ago, the only ones who really could pull of kids out of wedlock were celebrities. 

Thankfully things have changed.

When Hayden turned two, I felt this burning need to give him a proper set of parents, all grown up and married, so I took Hayden to the DMV in Chicago the Friday before Father’s Day weekend. I suppose I had thought that somewhere along the lines, Colin had wanted to get married and I was more against it, so after our wedding, I thought a perfect gift was to become “Julie Barth”.

We waited at that DMV, Hayden just a little over two, and all terrible of them, for two hours just to change my maiden name to “Barth” in some symbolic gesture that I was certain Colin would be thrilled by. 

I went home that afternoon, since there were no cell phones to snap a picture and send, and I showed Colin with great pride, and not being able to contain my excitement. He looked at it and said “Oh, that’s great” in such a monotone voice, I quickly felt I had over estimated the importance of all of it. In any event, it made me feel good knowing that we were a cohesive group of three.

I recalled a moment in my book where I had a crush on Colin in third grade and I would secretly practice writing “Julie Barth” in my most fancy cursive so that I would have the perfect signature when I married the boy of my dreams. Fatefully, that is what I ended up becoming, Julie Barth.

But, after Colin was gone, Julie Barth was a name that I had, but I didn’t feel as if I was that person anymore. 

The Julie Barth I knew had a husband, a family, a solidified commitment, a future, a purpose, and an identity, but who was I once Colin was gone? It seemed that Julie Barth didn’t work without Colin Barth. 

It felt empty and was horrifying to see my name every day as a reminder that the Julie Barth I was, was suddenly single, widowed, and on her own. 

It was a constant reminder of what I lost. 

Once more, since we lived in a community that knew both Colin and I, and at a point, we were about all that anyone talked about and the trauma of our situation, that saying “I’m Julie Barth,” would be met with sadness and pity. 

When I introduced myself, people looked at me as if to say “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that”. It became a curse to be “Julie Barth”. 

When I shed that name over a decade ago, I almost thought that it would magically and immediately put Julie Barth to rest along with Colin. 

I wasn’t the same person as I once had been. I didn’t see the world the same. Julie Barth had gone to war on the battlefield with cancer, and I had not been the victor. 

Julie Barth was a failure, so leaving her behind, along with the name, seemed like a Godsend. 

Fast forward more than ten years and a road that I wish I hadn’t traveled, taking forks in the road that were the exact opposite of what I should have if I wanted to reach my destination, which was healing, and I was once again ready to shed my name. 

With the name came a new character, a different human, someone that perhaps I didn’t even recognize. 

The new name taken might have left Julie Barth behind, closed that chapter, but it certainly didn’t morph me into the story or character I wanted to be. I had tried too easily to shed who I was by covering it up with an alias of a name that I thought would change the landscape of my life. 

When I was deciding what my new book cover would look like, I first thought “stick with your brand,” meaning, make it similar to the original Notes From a BlackBerry, because, after all, I am the same person, or am I? 

The designer for the second book did exactly as I instructed, perfectly. It looked like a continuation of the last story, a sequel, and a part two. But as I looked at it, that wasn’t what book two is, it isn’t a continuation of Julie Barth and her story, it was the story of a character who had the essence and background of Julie Barth, but she was not the same in the slightest. 

The character from the second book might have left the name behind, but she forgot that it wasn’t ever about a name, it was about the person that the name defines. 

The second book contains not only a different name, but also a different person.

Sometimes we need to change things about ourselves, upgrade, if you will, alter things that we don’t like, and leave backpacks of emotions behind that we no longer wish to carry, but we can’t leave ourselves behind. 

We have to take parts of who we are with us, and we should. I tried to leave my grief and sorrow in the past by changing my identity, but failed to see that it doesn’t work that way. 

You can’t just develop a different signature and not have the same handwriting that made the first one, nor should you.

So, going back to Barth kind of felt like I was trying to “recapture” who I was while I was with Colin, but can’t. 

You can’t ever go back in time anymore than you can go back home once you’ve moved away. Your home isn’t the same. 

Parts of it look familiar, but you can’t just hop back into your old room from when you grew up. That would feel out of place, and it would make you realize how far you’ve gone, how many experiences you have had since you laid in your childhood bed. 

The posters that align the walls would be dated and full of things that you might have liked at one time, but no longer “fit” with who you are, what you have seen, things you’ve done, and who you become. 

You necessarily would have to update, remodel, and make it more suitable for comfort.

I am not going to attempt to shed my newer name. 

Although I am going back to Barth, I am taking pieces of the newer version of myself and returning to my home and roots with the acknowledgment that a lot has changed since I left home, including myself. 

I am returning to my home to alter it, bring in the decor that I love, junk the items that no longer fit in my home, and redecorate with all of the things that I love. 

What will my next character be called? 

I suppose we will find out together.