A Part of Something Much Bigger

Notes From a BlackBerry was written while Colin was in the throes of treatment for pancreatic cancer. Just him and I would go downtown on “chemo Tuesday” and we would sit in a waiting room and then a treatment one for hours on end, while he received chemo. I thought it would be quality time to bond, but unfortunately as with most things in life, it didn’t go the way I had planned or hoped for. So I spent the time there first writing about Tayt’s life and then it just naturally flowed into Colin’s, and where we were at, so it became “real-time” at a certain point. 

I let it sit on my computer for ten years, not having the mental strength to relive it by reading it.

I had some things happen in my life recently and I decided it was time to revisit it, perhaps heal from it, move on from it, because the truth is, I never unpacked it. Like a suitcase after returning from a trip, it sat untouched, full of things that I had long since thought I didn’t need, symbolic toiletries that I just went ahead and replaced, but it was still taking up space, large amounts of mental space, that I didn’t even realize.

Once I had gotten to the end, I sat for a while, contemplating what to do with it.

I hadn’t really, at the time, thought about any goal or objective in writing it, I was literally just doing it. Much like most of the things in my life at that point, I was on autopilot, tending to the things I had to, moving through life emotionless, recounting truths and facts. I guess I wanted my children to know all that their father went through, who he was, his courage, strength, resolve, love, kindness, humor…

I had wished for the best all along, but knew that there was the potential they would never get to “know” him the way that I had. Therefore, I guess I was piecing together our lives so they would know. Somehow life gets in the way and you don’t really ever tell your children things that you want.

When he was gone, when I am gone, I wanted them to know all of the stories that they should. If he couldn’t be there, his spirit would live on in the pages of what I was writing. 

I have always had a voice inside telling me that there is a reason why things are the way they are. I believe in my heart that things do happen for a reason, not that it is always a good one or what we want. We are all here to make an impact, do what we do, affect the people around us in a certain way. We all leave our imprint, good, bad, indifferent, and usually all of them combined. 

So what was Colin and Tayt’s purpose?

I began to ask myself how could fate, karma, the universe, God, whatever you believe, turn a blind eye to such suffering? Worse, how could it not only allow it to happen; make it? If I were to think that the universe is random, that our lives are random, that what we do when we are here doesn’t matter or make a difference, I surely would have given up a long time ago.

I see Tayt every day.

I see her get up in the morning, sometimes before me, text people “good morning” and “good night,” many people, sometimes even strangers.

I see her make art and jewelry to share with others, even when it causes cramps in her hands, her shoulders, and pain.

I see her trying so hard to be a part of a world that she has mostly sat on the outside of whether from illness, chronic pain and disability, or because she doesn’t have a “voice” that everyone can hear.

I see Tayt make the most of each and every day

She could sit and do nothing, but she chooses EVERYDAY to impact the world, her friends, her family, and anyone who meets her. That is of her doing because I think she sees what so many of us more fortunate don’t, life is truly what you make of it. 

Colin knew the same and sometimes I feel in my heart, he was allowed to stay long enough to make sure Tayt was on her way. Just as she was healing, gaining strength, solid in this world, he began his exit.

Just as I believe there is a reason for everything, there is a plan too. His plan was to make her all that she is, and believe that now my plan is to make sure that Colin’s impact is known and continues. He was such a bright light, a kind heart, someone filled with love and laughter and concern. His goodness is still here and I want to make sure that it stays.

The book, my next, Tayt’s art, are all a part of something much bigger and grander...

Please continue to check up and see what is next… Colin James Barth’s reach will continue on and do for the world what it did for our small community and family.