Picture Perfect Isn’t Always What it Seems

I have a post on Instagram from about 8 years ago. After I brought another dog home, it said something to the effect of “Yes, I am crazy, no, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

Why? Because I know that my decisions have been questioned, hell, I have questioned my own choices. 

That post was at a time when I had already realized that the perception people had of me was probably crazy, off the wall, and that I made poor decisions. I have spent my entire life just trying to blend in, not stand out, and be “normal,” yet, it felt as if I had a perpetual sign that I want to hold up saying “There’s nothing to see here.” My life has been anything but typical or normal.

I was a window shopper all of my life.

Like in the old days when you would walk down Michigan Avenue at Christmas time peering into the windows that were all dressed up and pretty. I would see other people’s families and how flawless they seemed to be, how "normal" they were.

They didn’t have clothes from Kmart, they had a normal home life, their dad was engaged, they went out as a family, shared dinner, and had everything I pictured the ideal family would. It felt the opposite of my life.

But as I became an adult, I felt I finally had that. I found my Prince Charming and had what I envisioned as a “normal” life.

We had Jake, a home, and for the first time, I considered myself and it “normal”. 

And then Tayt was born.

I had to fight the shame of wanting so badly for her to be something other than what she was. I longed again for the "normal" family where everyone looked the same, nothing stood out, but Tayt changed that. I spent several years desperately going through old pictures of relatives since gone, searching for an explanation, or perhaps an excuse why she didn't look like everyone else. My mission was to make her what I needed her to be.

I wanted desperately to be the picture-perfect family sitting in the window.

I finally accepted she wouldn’t be. But, I was okay with that, because after all, I had Colin, we were real, we were normal, and life was good. That was truly all that I really needed. 

After Tayt, Shane was born. Many people in my life would say things to me like "I can't believe you are doing it again" and "After all that you went through with Tayt, aren't you afraid?"

But Shane… how can I describe him but to say he brought me back from the edge.

He came out so naturally and smiled all the time. Shane didn’t need a feeding tube, a breathing tube, nursing, an apnea monitor, or constant care, he just came out and lit up my day. At night, I would sneak up to my room with him and just gaze at him for hours.

Shane made me feel alive again. He gave me hope that things could be that simple and that I could have that “normal family” I always dreamed of. My family could be the display window that people wished for.

Then came Piper.

Piper was another planned for addition.

Who on earth would have wanted another child?

But, Shane was such a blessing to our lives, and another baby would bring more goodness. That's exactly what Piper did. And she continues to, what would I do without her?

Then Colin got sick…

Not only did we have a daughter who didn’t look like everyone else; we welcomed the chaos of having four children. Then everything came to a screeching halt. My ally, Colin, my best friend who made things okay, was no longer able to make them okay. I was standing alone on my own again wishing I had what was behind the window's glass.

If I wasn't the woman with the special needs daughter, then I was the one who "had her hands full," or worse, the woman whose husband was dying. People were donating to us, we were on stage, and we were famous, but not for any of the reasons I wanted. It was not because we were a display window on Michigan Avenue.

After Colin's passing, I chose to have another baby. I had had so much misery and sadness that I needed to create life and try to move on.

It was hard leaving my home and my past with Colin behind, but if I didn't, I would surely not be here today.

Things only got worse over the following years after she arrived. Not only did I no longer have Colin, I had an adversary who wanted to make sure that I didn’t have the normal life I wanted. He did everything to take that calm, normalcy, happiness that I so desperately needed, from me. He lied, cheated, stole, and robbed my soul, but he couldn’t take the happiness that I found in my fifth, horribly cranky, excessively crying, always needy fifth. She was just what I needed to restore my joy inside. He couldn’t take that no matter how hard he tried. She was the most terrible baby I can ever imagine, but she saved me, literally saved my life. My fifth wonderful child reminded me that it is my children that I live for. 

Then came madness number 6. Tayt had just gotten through cancer treatment, her right side removed, the house in chaos, and number five crying non-stop. Most would have stopped and dealt with what they had. I chose to have another baby. Not only have, go to great lengths to have her. I mean, if I was my friend, an outsider, a neighbor, or anyone looking in, I surely would have said “What the hell is wrong with you? You have a husband who hates you, abuses you, talks about how crazy you are, not only doesn’t help you, puts obstacles in your way and you are going to have another one?” Surely, I can appreciate anyone who would judge and criticize me, I might have done the same. Nonetheless, my perfect sixth baby was born, and she added so much more to my life. She was another soul that saved me.

So the reason why I chose to write this tonight is because Pippa has moved away to college. Jake is on his own with his wife and three kids. Matthew is on his way and doing amazing with his job career and in a relationship that is respectful, kind, and so nurturing. Tayt is Tayt and will always be okay and just Tayt. I have two more at home, at times I feel things are dwindling, I miss Pippa terribly, but I went to dinner with my fifth child tonight, that horrible crying baby, the one who everyone thought I was nuts for having, judged me as stupid, and perhaps selfish for having another baby, asked “how could I,” when all I could think was “how could I not?”

Each one of my children has saved me in some way. Each pulled me from some situation and reminded me of who I am and what’s important. They’ve been my biggest champion, made the worst times life-affirming, and added so much, and I feel so incredibly blessed and hope they do too.

For all the shame I felt for wanting more children, for bringing more lives into the world, maybe for bringing them in when finances weren’t good, my situation wasn’t good, it wasn’t the right time, it wasn’t what other people would do, it was viewed as irresponsible… 

Say what you will about how crazy my world has been. Say what you want about my choices, about what was the right time, what wasn’t, but my children are amazing, lovely, honest, good, kind, empathetic, sweet, responsible, and guess what I finally have?

I have the window display that I always wanted. It doesn’t look the same as the ones at Macy’s on Christmas, but I have everything I have ever wanted. I know in my heart that I didn’t make a single bad choice about adding each of them to my life and I pray every day that I am a good enough human to deserve the blessings that I have been given. I truly feel as if I am the most blessed human in the world.

So again “Yes, I am crazy, no, I don’t know what’s wrong with me…” But whatever it is, I am good with myself, I am blessed, and I continue to pray every night that my children feel the same way.